new year
how i handle problems
decided to start a blog instead of going to sleep.
decided to start a tiktok account instead of studying spanish.
trying to hype myself up to get a cartilage piercing instead of facing the fact i can't buy 3 coffees and go on a target run every week because i need to save money.
instead of facing the problem, i try to make it seem less important by starting something new.
the reason is there--in my mind, starting a new thing means a new beginning. new patterns, new habits, and therefore a better, healthier, more well-formed life. what i tend to forget (or more likely ignore) is that these new "resolutions" don't stick and end up wearing me down when i inevitably don't live up to the grandness of the idea. not always, but usually.
and yet here i am. 2am on the first day of the new year creating a tiktok account cuz someone told me i should start one and post my music on it. and i thought to myself why the hell not.
i tried to start some patterns the week or two leading up to the new year so all the pressure didn't feel like it was on this ONE day. that helped.
i also am waiting to write down my official goals for the semester until i get back to school and go on a bingo card/punchcard-coffee date with my boyfriend. hopefully that does something.
what i learned this year
either way, the good news is that progress has been made. i was thinking about it because my friend posted something on instagram asking what we learned in 2026. i said "responsibility."
which is true.
i learned that when i was failing two film classes and my professor told me if i wanted to go to Japan on the study tour that summer, I had to bring up my grades on both classes. it felt impossible.
i learned that when, for that same professor, when he didn't communicate with me what my responsibilities were and didn't check up on me for months, blamed me for being irresponsible and not doing my job, and i had to work double time to prove i had everything under control even though the delays weren't my fault.
i learned that when i entirely missed the rehearsal and part of the rehearsal dinner of my best friend, for which i was originally supposed to be the maid of honor and had to take a hard look at my priorities even though it didn't feel like it was my fault.
i learned that this semester, when choir performances, dance performances, sickness, finals, acting, and assignments all lined up on the same few days. i did what i could, communicated with the rest, and things worked out civilly with everyone involved.
i learned that from going to all my classes, showing up to my commitments, turning in my assignments, getting [ALL] my reading done in time, and getting A's for the first time since freshman year that consistency is important and that i am capable of doing it.
i also learned that a big part of it is learning how to limit my commitments and say no when i can't put in 100%. i learned how to say "i can't commit long term, but always feel free to reach out if there's anything you need, and i can let you know whether or not i can on an individual basis!"
i learned how to also make time for myself--to sleep, eat well, exercise, do things for fun, invest in relationships.
i learned that relationships require commitment, yes, but also work. not only together, but on yourself. it means owning your own things not just in word, but also in the way you clean things up.
as someone who has difficulties being responsible, in large part because of depression and other mental blocks, a lot of these steps have been huge. and when one of my professors told me a few weeks ago that he knew that i was "a very responsible person and would get it done," it meant the world because it's something i've been working on like crazy this year.
perhaps i haven't always realized that that is what i am working on, but God at the very least had a very clear idea of what it was he was having me work on. i was talking to my boyfriend a few weeks ago, and i was telling him how it was hard for me to tell him how i am doing spiritually or what God is working on in my life at any given time because i normally don't see it until i get to the end.
and i feel like i have reached the end with the end of 2025.
so what's next?
i realized i want to start a lot this year, from a blog to tiktok to spotify to ebay to etsy. some of these things were even on a list that my friend started making me in a notes document in his phone. he called it something like maile's big grand 2026 or something like that. i'm not entirely sure. but i guess we'll see what stick between these new accounts to the perhaps smaller and more regular goals i set for myself on the bingo cards and punch cards.
if i had to guess what God has for me this year, i think it has to do with letting go of fear--whether it is fear of what other people think, what i am capable of, the boundaries set by my mental health, the fear hurting other people, or existential fear--and going back to the things that i was supposed to do. whether that's writing or creating or singing or experiencing or expressing or dancing or reading or learning or whatever it might be. i expect it has something to do with art and perhaps experiencing life to the fullest.
whatever it is, i expect i'll only come up for short whiles to get a breath of air, in which i'll know what it is He's concocting, but i probably won't fully know until the end.
either way, here's to new beginnings.
happy new year!